Life Choices

There is a true sense of calm that comes over a person when they make a life changing decision.  Maybe it's the calm before the storm, but for one brief moment there is a sense of peace.  I am feeling that peace right now, and I don't know how long it's going to last, but I intend on riding it to the very finish.

You see, I have been in a relationship since I was 19 years old, and my husband was 31 when I met him.  The idea of having an older man take care of me seemed like a good idea at that particular point in my life, but I didn't realize that I was going to spend the next 21 years taking care of him.  I've always been the adult in my relationship, and I've never gotten a chance to be a carefree woman who enjoyed the early part of her youth.  I had to put a lot of my life on hold in order to care for the needs of everyone else, and I feel like it's time to be a little selfish.

Before I go any further, I would like to clarify that I wouldn't change a thing. Our daughters together turned out amazingly well, if I do say so myself.  The oldest of the two is in college and works two jobs, and our youngest is a senior in high school and about to graduate in a couple of months.  They are both smart, funny, strong, and they inspire me.  They can be stubborn, but in a way I am proud of that because it just shows me that they aren't going to take crap from anyone and will never be anyone's doormat.  They are going to be everything I wish I could have been.

My life with my husband has had lots of ups and even more downs, and although I truly hope we can be friends when all is said and done, I'm not hopeful of that outcome.  So I just have to accept that it is what it is.  He and I have grown apart, we don't have the same goals in life anymore, and now that our kids are raised, I'm ready to see what the world has out there for me.  It's a liberating feeling.  I just hope it will feel the same for my husband.  Oh, I may be a nervous wreck by the time it's all said and done, but it's time...

I'm Through Being Polite Goddamnit!!

My tag line comes from the movie Titanic, but I'm not on a huge cruiseliner searching for a handcuffed Leo DiCaprio in the belly of it.  I do, however, feel like I'm on a sinking ship with no hope in sight.

Now, I normally don't "woe is me", because that shit pisses me off when I have to sit through another person's constant sob story.  You all know someone who know matter how many times you ask them how they are doing, they come back with some new drama.  I try to be compassionate, but there is only so much you can take before you just want to choke them with their own hair.  Having said that, my blog is going to be filled with that drama shit, so if you've heard one too many of my stories, please feel free to stop reading now.  You won't hurt my feelings.  Now that the disclaimer portion of my blog is finished, here goes.....

I am sick to death of being a wife and mother....yes, I said it!  As horrible as it might sound, I have had it with ungrateful and presumptuous people in my life who don't feel like they should contribute anything in return!  I am tired of people living under the roof I put over their head and all they want to do is give attitude in return when I ask them to do something.  I also do not like being questioned by people who don't have a single, fucking clue what it takes to be on your own and supporting a family.  And, I am not a bi-product of 1950s household society.  My brothers, yes....I was born in the 70s damnit!  It is not my "job" to cook you dinner, clean your house, or give you anything if I don't feel inclined to do so.  You are not ENTITLED to any of these things!  Living in my home is a privilege, not a right!!

Now, I am one of those people that doesn't like confrontation.  I literally HATE it!  This is a problem that I do recognize.  Since I turned 40, I am getting better about being constructively confrontational, but it does take a lot of hard work.  I have let things and behaviors go on for so long in my home, so when I try to do something about it now, I am met with anger, people questioning my authority, etc.  I am fed up!  Don't get my wrong, I love my family....adore my family.....would give my life to protect my family.....I'm just tired of them taking advantage of the things I do for them.  I'm tired of them not recognizing the amount of sacrifice I have made and continue to make for them. 

Whew.....feels better to vent!

Excuses and Other Stuff

Weekends used to be such a great thing for me.  I was able to recuperate from the horrendous 7:30a-5:00p work week and now I spend my weekends at my school's library because my student loans ran out and the work study program is what is helping me pay for my tuition.  Don't get me wrong, the job isn't a bad one..in fact, I sort of like it because I'm surrounded by books, but any extra time that I did have for "me" time is completely out the window.  Or is it?

I want to throw myself back into my writing, but working two jobs and taking on a full-time class load is really doing a number on me.  All I want to do when I'm home is sleep.  I have not written anything creative in months, and the stories in my head are pounding on the closet door telling me that they need to exit my mind and find a new home in one of the many journals I have lying about my house.  If I keep making excuses for why I'm not writing, I will never get any writing done.  This totally sucks!

My oldest daughter has graduated from high school, working two jobs and starting college after the first of the year.  She still lives at home, but has informed me that she has been discussing the possibility of her moving out with two prospective roommates that she currently works with.  Although I know that I am not ready for her to move out, I truly understand the need for her to have her own independence.  Riddle me this, though....WHY does she want to move in with a woman who is old enough to be her mother????  And what could she possibly have in common with this woman?  When I was her age I hung out with people who were much older than me and now I understand why MY mother got so upset about it.  Which brings another bit of panic to my already manic situation....I'm starting to think like my mother!!  I noticed the other day that my handwriting is very similar to hers and now this??  Commit me now!

That Makes Sense

Well, I think I've discovered what is causing my depression...severe anemia.  I am so weak and dizzy that I can barely walk from the bedroom to the kitchen without getting winded and completely exhausted.  I have also realized that my condition is really out of my doctor's expertise and I'm going to have to find a doctor that specializes in blood disorders.  I hope I get this under control soon because I'm going nuts staying in the house day after day after day, and I really want to get back to work and school.

On another note, I'm working on some story ideas in my head and I think I'm going to start writing again.  I truly miss it, and I've read enough books out there lately to know that my work is actually better than a good majority of what I've read thus far.  That isn't to be conceited, but I know my ability to write and I have faith that I am going to get that book published one day.  I'm struggling with genres, however.  I love historical fiction, but I am really lazy when it comes to extensive research, LOL.  I wouldn't mind doing ghost stories, but I'll be damned if I'm going to write something that classifies as a paranormal romance.  No offense to those who write for that genre because I actually like some of those books and wonder why they are considered romance instead of sci-fi, but I don't think you have to have steamy sex scenes in order to sell books.  But that's me, I guess.

In a Funk!

This is got to be the biggest funk I've been in since I don't know when.  I am depressed all of the time and it seems like all I want to do is cry.  I would blame it on PMS, but the depression has been there for awhile now. 

The problem boils down to this.....my personal life is in shambles and as much as I try to hide that part of me from the rest of the world, it is slowly starting to rear its ugly little head.  I am stressed out beyond belief.  My marriage has fallen apart to the point where I don't really care if I ever see my husband again.  He's a loser and I'm really tired of dealing with household issues by myself and without his support.  I can't do bad by my damn self!  Secondly, I've been stressed out with this whole college thing and how I'm going to finish paying for it.  I had to take a second job on the campus, but I don't know if I'm even going to get enough hours to pay for the balance.  And to top it all off, I keep receiving disconnect notices left and right and don't know how I'm going to pay them all before the deadline.  Is it any wonder I developed a case of shingles and was out of the office for an entire week?  I still feel like crap, but I have to go back to work.

I'm just tired....dog tired, and I just want to cry and cry and cry until I can't cry anymore.  Then once I'm done with crying, I can pick the pieces of this miserable life up again and start over.  Will the fear conquer me and will I let the husband back into my life because I don't want to be alone, or will I be the brave little soldier and kick his ass to the curb for good?  The answers to these questions will hopefully be revealed soon....Until then, I remain miserably yours.....

Words Cannot Express....

Dealing with death is something everyone has to go through.  The day you are born is a countdown until the day that you die.  Morbid in theory, but true all the same.  To the forensic scientist, death has four modes:  1) Homicide, 2) Accidental, 3) Suicide and 4) Natural.  It's weird to think how someone who meant so much to someone else could be compared to a mode.  Of the four modes of death, probably the easiest one to deal with is natural.  Mostly because families and friends have had time to prepare themselves for the events to come.  It doesn't make the pain less bearable, but it's usually expected.  The hardest deaths are the ones that come suddenly and unexpectedly.  One minute you have a loved one who is laughing, smiling, talking, etc., and the next minute they are gone with no warning.  People try to comfort those dealing with the loss by saying things like, "they are in a better place now" or "everything happens for a reason". 

Do those illogical explanations bring any real comfort to those who are grieving?  To me, no, they don't.  How do you know whether or not someone is in a better place?  Have you ever been there?  Do you know someone who's been there and come back to tell you about it?  Does it bring you comfort to believe that because you don't want to believe that this life is all there is?  Because it really doesn't bring comfort to the one who just lost someone they loved very much.  And really, if everything happens for a reason, what possible reason is there for God to take a mother, grandmother, etc., from her family with no warning whatsoever?  In the grand scheme of things what is the lesson to be learned here?

I'm pissed!  I've dealt with death entirely too much lately, and I'm tired of it.  My family has had to suffer some tremendous losses within the last two years, and I just want to know when it's going to stop.  When is God going to cut our family some slack?  Haven't we seen enough and endured enough to earn us some get out of jail free cards for the next 20 or so years?  How much pain does God want this family to take?  And the more important question is WHY?  Why does God want to continue to make this family suffer?  For an all loving God, it seems cruel and heartless!  Why was it necessary to cut the life short of a man who gave his all to his family, his community, his friends...the good seed who always had a level head and who would never hurt a fly, but a pedaphile can walk the streets every day and live life taking the virtues away from little children?  Why was it necessary to cut the life short of a woman who overcame AMAZING odds and a major near death experience, only to be brought back from that and die from something that could have treated, but yet, a murderer is still allowed to breathe the air and preying on unsuspecting victims?  Really, WHAT POSSIBLE REASON does God have for sparing the lives of some of the most heinous people in the world, yet taking the lives of those who make a positive difference way before their time?  If that isn't a test of faith, I don't know what is!

Natural, expected death, I can deal with....My grandmother was 94 when she died, but I know she lived a long, full life.  Same goes for my grandmother-in-law.  They got to see their grandkids grow up.  They got to make positive, lasting differences on their families.  They made wonderful lives for themselves.  There was no reason to take my brother-in-law or my aunt-in-law from this earth so soon, and I'm going to have a very hard time reconciling my feelings about the "divine purpose."

Today was a good day!

Last night I acted like a woman on her 21st birthday!  I drank of ton of Guinness on an empty stomach and wound up in the floor because I was too dizzy to lie down in my bed.  I felt like an idiot then and I felt like an even bigger idiot when I woke up this morning because I have been dealing with a hangover headache all day. 

I did, however, get a chance later in the day to do something good for someone else.  There is something so rewarding about doing a good deed for others, especially when it really helps ease their pain or stress.  I am fulfilled by the joy that I can bring someone who really needs it.

Yesterday, I ranted about how I've felt about people in my life recently, and I do feel a sense of guilt for feeling that way, but I wrote it, I can't take it back (unless I delete it), and I honestly hope those who it applies to don't kick me to the curb.  I get frustrated and I write about it.  That's how I keep from blowing up and acting like a total ass.

Well, I'm off to finish cooking dinner and watching some DVDs with the family.  Take care and have a great weekend!